On Tuesday night I heard a powerful message about a woman’s pursuit of healing.
She had tried everything,
she had lost everything,
and she had given up everything else in search of healing.
Later, as I sat surrounded by a group of incredible women and we pondered the impact of this story on our lives I realized I had never taken it seriously enough. I had never listened enough to her desperation and then to her joy once she had finally been miraculously healed. I also never understood the weight of her loss, that she had lost everything in pursuit healing.
I think if I had,
I would’ve started fighting for healing myself much sooner than I did.
To be healthy has become such a foreign concept to me. I thought my vocal issues were unfixable and that I’d have to stop doing all the things I love so much. I don’t remember the last time I woke up and went through a day without headaches, and hearing problems. I don’t know what it’s like to live without the dull ache of pain and instead of realizing that reality was a major issue, I simply accepted it as my new normal. When I did try to find solutions I got depressed easily when they didn’t provide results and I gave up hope quickly.
This attitude was reflected in my mental health as well. For so many years I sat in the darkness and let it swallow me up. On my weakest days, I never ran from it or tried to rise against it. I embraced it in my arms as if it were an old friend, I waited for it to come and when it did, I willingly opened the front door. On my strongest days, I didn’t welcome it, instead, I pretended to ignore it until it finally crawled over me.
Thankfully now, something is different, although I have not given up everything in search of healing, I am finally fighting for it and I’m in it for the long haul. It’s difficult. Some days I’d rather be lazy than do what I need to do to function and pursue the restoration of my body and mind. Some days I cry because I feel weak and hopeless, wishing to be at the end of the journey but knowing there’s still so much more to go. However, when those days come now, I fight, and when I can’t fight, I run in the other direction because now that I’ve tasted the freedom of healing, I’d rather do anything than slip back into the pit my brokenness held me captive in for so long.
The journey is far from over, and I am far from being completely healthy but my hope in the power of healing has been restored and my thirst for it cannot be quenched or ignored any longer.
Here’s to the road ahead.