I never thought I would get to this place.
This place where I’ve become afraid of something that is necessary for my life to sustain.
Eating has become a struggle recently, I feel like I can’t eat anything, it all seems to cause me to feel unwell. Sometimes only slightly; sometimes more than.
And then there’s the sleeping. As each second I stay awake passes my mind gets more stressed that it hasn’t drifted off into the dream world and keeps me awake longer.
But that’s not the end of this place I’m in. It’s only half the story. Truthfully I’m so grateful that I’m facing these challenges now because I’ve never been happier. I’ve never had more joy in my entire life.
I’ve never had as many days in a row that I couldn’t stop myself from smiling because of my belief in this vast expanse of dirt and water that I call home. That even as I write about my health issues I smile because my heart has never been so full.
I’m not sure how it happened, how this boldly joyful woman came to live inside this body of a timid, broken girl but I’m so grateful it happened. I’ve traded in my nights of hopelessness and despair over the state of our world for dreams bigger than I could have ever imagined. For an unwavering faith that this place, even in the bleakest hours, still has light when I used to only see darkness.
For even when the sun has set the moon still reflects its light. For even when the moon is gone the stars burn brightly in its stead. Even when the clouds cover the sky the day still comes and the light, although not direct, is still evident.
Most days I shed tears but they’re tears of hope, love, and general overwhelmedness for the light that I have been able to see, embrace, and become.
For even through pain and sadness, I can’t help but believe that the world is still beautiful.